Yay, this is the first blog I have ever written. You will most probably think it's shite as my ability to use paragraphs and proper grammar is limited to say the least and shite would probably be a fair analysis but hey ho I'm not here to be liked I'm here to be a miserable, grumpy old cunt and use this as a forum to set the world to rights in my own uneducated, shoddily researched and completely intolerable way. So what better way to begin than to say something that'll have you soap dodging lefty treehugger wankers dribbling piss out of your collective unkempt scraggly faces, start as I mean to go on so to speak.... Climate change is a fucking farce you do gooding ninnies.
Ahhhh let me just take a second to enjoy this...I can almost hear the sound of a million crusty scrotums tightening and the faint panicked screams of 40 something middle class yoga loving frumpy loveless housewife bitches as they instantaneosly enter into a state of synchronised menopause across the planet. Wooooondeeeerrrrful.
Now for the sciency bit...
So..The United Nations in their monolithic wisdom decided to set up the Intergovernmental Panel For Climate Change, note the word GOVERNMENTAL.... that will provide somewhat of a clue. They then set about throwing unlimited fundage at scientists all across the globe to come up with data that substantiates the claim that human beings were causing the planet to heat up, I'm assuming you're with me so far.
So suddenly these little Malthusian virgins we spent years bullying in high school all over the world began suddenly clocking on.. "If I tell the UN my dwindling Brazillian treefrog study revolves around human interaction not only will they give me unlimited research funds, a hawt assistant and some sparkly new pencil protectors but I'll have money and kudos and women will actually like me" and to their credit it fucking worked! These guys with insufferably bad eyebrows, speech impediments, stoops and nervous ticks suddenly became the new rock stars, Bono couldnt wait to be the cum receptacle in their little circle jerk and immediately set about courting them from his Dr. No sized slave filled mansion as he told us all to turn off our lights and drive less but worse than that...you believed it! Even worse than that.... not only did you fucking morons believe it you went out in your 10 day old crusty gear to protest those same governernments to do more to combat it. "Noooo IPCC you have not done enough, restrict our carbon footprints, give us new green taxes and take even more of our money nooooo that's still not enough...tax us for breaaaaathing!"
If that is not the ultimate bump I would really like to see what is. On a scale of scammage I believe that would be somewhat akin to a rape victim telling their attacker they're not being banged hard enough and to go easy on the lube but I digress, the world is full of suckers.
Now for the real sciency bit...
You... Dipshit...are currently sitting on a planet hurtling through deep space orbiting the equivalent of a huge fuck off blast furnace made from fire & other hot shit. You're being bombarded by solar radiation from this constantly and as a result of space winds, the distance it takes the rays to reach the Earth and other incredibly geeky sounding sciency shit the temperature from those emissions fluctuates. Being a giant ball of fire n all, the Sun heats up everything in it's vicinity and as a result...*drumroll*...has an affect on temperature, hard to believe isn't it?
But noooo not satisfied with that, in an almost unbelievable twist of logic and doublespeak, having discovered the planet is actually in a cooling phase they decided the new religion was not to be called Manmade Global Warming after all but......Climate Change! I guess even you wouldnt believe that we're getting hotter anymore but I wouldnt put money on it.. I never cease to be amazed by the depths of human stupidity. So billions of tax dollars later they have now hit us with the startling revelation that we live on a planet with a fluctuating temperature. OMG some days it's colder than others, some days it rains, some days it's warm... Fuck me the sky is falling! Thank you IPCC! Thank you Al Gore!
So off we go again to angrily protest some shit, I'm not sure exactly what but I think the cause is now inconsistent weather or something while the newly caked messiah Al Gore laughs at us from his brand new beachfront mansion (he actually did just buy 1 btw, just in case you thought he really even believed the shit he says) Bono is throwing more blind vietnamese orphans into his fireplace to combat the cold and you're waving your fists angrily in your piss smelling german army coats and potato sack trousers covered in Anarchy symbols and other clichéd 'screw the man' type slogans while the rest of us sit back and wonder how the fuck the human race became so utterly retarded.
A great man once said you should end an essay with a quote, actually he was that unconvincing gay nazi kid in American History X who had his brains splattered across a toilet with his dick in his hand but it was still very profound so here goes....
"In searching for a new enemy to unite us, we came up with the idea that pollution, the threat of global warming, water shortages, famine and the like would fit the bill.... All these dangers are caused by human intervention... The real enemy, then, is humanity itself."
-Council on Foreign Relations : The First Global Revolution Report 1991
